Night Time

Night Time

by Dad

Elsa proves irascible
She hollers with a wrath that’s full
Of tears, screams, worries, wails, and cries.

On the changing table she lies
“Leave that nappy on, I’m dry!”

But little one
We’ve just begun
To get you ready for bed.
There’s a bath to take
A bed to make-
And Desitin for your bum!

“Put the bottle down I’m done
The book has lost its fun.”

Quietly play some old Liz Phair
And she won’t let out a cry
Only the soft repeating lovely word,
That word! She whispers:

“Bye!”

Under the Sink

Let’s see- window cleaner…no…oven cleaner…no…where is it? Grill degreaser…bleach…no. Aah! There it is- the dishwasher detergent! The one that looks like Banilla yogurt! Oh it looks so creamy when Dad pours it in the dishwasher. Just like Banilla. Oh, Banilla! Object of my desire! If only I could…reach it…must…get past…Dad’s childproof locks…

Back Arch!

The camera’s pointed and ready to shoot
But I feel like poop, BACK ARCH!
My nappy needs a change and you've pinned me down
So I will frown and, BACK ARCH!

ARCH MY BACK when I’m feeling blue!
ARCH MY BACK to piss off you!
There is one thing that I can do,
To control you! BACK ARCH!

These sweet potatoes have no butter
Billy Wagner can’t throw his cutter, BACK ARCH!
The weather is beautiful and the sky is blue
Get me out of the Sube! BACK ARCH!

It’s a simple position,
In my awful condition
If I slipped from their arms-
Think of the harm!
Ah, my 16-month charm!
I don't give a darn!

ARCH MY BACK when I’m feeling blue!
ARCH MY BACK to piss off you!
There is one thing that I can do,
To control you! BACK ARCH!

Oh Mets...

The Mets have lost their last six out of nine, what a terrible road trip. They really need some starting pitching. I mean, Trachs looked OK last outing, and Gonzalez hasn't been bad, but Jose Lima? Come on!

And Jose Reyes, on base percentage at .300? At the leadoff spot? Oh geez.

Cliff Floyd is slumping, they can't get Pedro any run support- I mean, the list goes on. All I can say is that they better beat the *#&@ Yankees this weekend.

The Grass is Green, the Flower is YELLOW!

This flower and my dress remind me of a book Dad and I are reading. It's called Trucks and Tractors. All of the trucks and tractors are yellow, and they are paired up with something that is not yellow. Dad always introduces it in his Mr. Moviephone voice, "If you would like to read Trucks and Tractors, PRESS ONE NOW!" And then he uses that voice throughout the whole book (which gets a little redundant).

We open the book and he reads, "The hard hat is green, the backhoe is YELLOW. The truck is white, the wheel dozer is YELLOW. The garbage is all different kinds of colors, the landfill compactor is YELLOW. If you would like to turn the page, PRESS TWO NOW!"

I am trying to say the word "yellow" because (1) the repetition in the children's book is almost forcing me to and (2) Dad's impression is annoying. But all that comes out is "Boddle".

Tofu Pups

Scene: The kitchen. It is evening. Mum and Dad are preparing dinner while Elsa waits in her high chair, snacking on crackers.

Dad: Your mother would like you to- Mum interrupts him with a cough and glare. Your mother…AND I…would like you…to…try these…

Mum: Come on, just say it.

Dad: quickly Your mother and I would like you to try these tofu pups. What do you say?

Elsa: The bway-da bada ada boddle.

Dad: Right, just as I thought. Turns to return pups to refrigerator. Mum grabs them and puts one in microwave. Dad moves to high chair and whispers: Just so you know E, this was not my idea.

Mum: I heard that.

Dad: turning We can’t do this to her. Mum places the tofu pup on Elsa’s plate.

Mum: Do you know what’s in hot dogs?

Dad: Of course I do. All kinds of pork goodness.

Mum: From unspeakable places. Would you rather her eat that?

Dad: Yes. pause Yes I would.

Mum: Oh, come on.

Dad: If you don’t think about it, it won’t bother you.

Elsa: Babba babba in da boddle.

Dad: Look, now you’ve upset her.

Mum: Hardly, look at her eat that tofu pup.

Dad: Aah! He grabs package Sweetheart, just look at this list of ingredients. “Organically spray-dried tofu…”

Elsa: Babba babba in da BWEEEEEEEE!

Dad: “…beet powder...”

Mum: I think she wants another one.

Dad: …and here it says, “Not recommended for barbecue.” What’s up with that?

Mum: Cut up another one for her, will you?

Dad: goes to refrigerator, grabs pups, takes one. Tofu pups. They’re from California for chrissake.

Elsa: In da boddle. Babba babba BWEEEEEEEE!

Banilla Fiend

“Once a junkie, always a junkie.” Now I know what William S. Burroughs meant. This Stonyfield Farm Banilla yogurt has me. I can’t get enough- it’s all I think about. They have combined the incredible taste of BANANAS with VANILLA YOGURT! When I see my high chair I know that I am going to get some for dessert. And when I don’t I go crazy. Lately, I’ve been freaking out and demanding it in place of my usual breakfast, lunch , and dinner. Daycare is unbearable- they don’t have Banilla! I think I need to look for some methadone-like treatment to get me past this.

In Xanadu did Kubla Khan
A stately pleasure-dome decree:
Where BANILLA, the sacred yogurt, ran
Through caverns measureless to man
Down to a sunless sea.

I Am Not An Alien!

When I don't get what I want I've started to complain about it. Don't we all? If I get fed that thing called "ham" again I am really going to get upset. I don't think I like "ham", really. What is it? That may break Dad's heart but he'll get over it. And bacon? Forget about it, that stuff is nasty. Maybe I'm a vegan. Oh wait, I like those hot dogs.

So I voice my opinion and then Mum and Dad look at me like I'm an alien. Just because I am screeching or whining, or arching my back and crying. I mean, look at them in this photo. They think I'm nuts. But I'm not- I just want my peas cooked to the right temperature. I want enough butter on my toast. Sometimes I want to sing Twinkle Twinkle Little Star instead of Itsy Bitsy Spider. And, I don't want my diaper on too tight, it gives me a wedgie and can get very uncomfortable.

Is that too much to ask? Does that warrant this sort of expression from my parents?

Looking Back: A 16 Month Report

Oh, how the days and months have flown by. Here I am, in my sixteenth month. Let us look back, shall we?

So, some ruminations, ponderings, musings, and thoughts:

There really is a thing called the SUN, it appeared here in Rochester on April 16 at 6:24AM. I woke up because a light was shining in through the window.

Once baseball season starts, I must retain control of the remote or all we are going to watch on TV are Mets games.

If I point at something, everyone will think I know what it is, even if I call the refrigerator a "bottle" or my coat a "ball".

If I call Dad "Daddin" he laughs.

Sweet potatoes, peas, corn, toast, oatmeal, and (especially) hot dogs are awesome.

I am not allowed to stand on chairs. (Ha! See above photo!)

When I hear a dog in the distance I stop and bark, "woo-woo!"

The Kinks are Dad's favorite band right now. If I listen to the Village Green Preservation Society one more time as I fall asleep...

Everyone likes my Chris Farley impersonation. I push my hair down in front of my face, pull my chin back and say"Holy Schnikes!"

Plastic forks are dangerous. (Ha! See above photo!)